Mr. Underhill

If you click it, they will come.

I was talking a walk with Sébastien and one of our coloc yesterday evening and we started imagining what our ideal home would be. Don't worry internet, we're not having flat envy. It was just something to chatter about as we strolled around the canal.  -->
My trouble is that it is just as easy for me to imagine myself living in  Southern Vermont, South America or  the South of France as it is to see me on some island or back in DC.
Do I want an adobe courtyard, or do I want a lush garden?  Do I want a balcony or do I need a stream? Should I chase the suburban split level ranch dream or is a ground level apartment in gaye Paris la place pour nous?  These are the kinds of questions I waste my time on when I dream in Franglish.

The truth of it is, regardless of the place in the world where I am to hang my hat, and although I didn't go all gaga about micromanaging our wedding, I've wrapped my mind around a few specs that are firmly planted in the category of must:

1. My bedroom is a place for sex.     I will sleep there, sure. But it's purpose should be apparent as soon as one notes the color of the walls. Pastels, really? I'll punch every single pastel in it's stupid fuchsia face.  Are you a six year old girl, or did your balls fall off? My gametes wanna spy something red...with gold, black and or brown accents. Oh, plus silky softy everything... As well as a decent lock and one way baby monitors ( jusqu'à they're 30)
2. My bathroom comes first.  I'm sorry we can't afford summer camp this year kids, but you'll thank me once it's time to pull out your toy boats and fuckin dissolvable pill things that turn into cute colorful sponges. That tub is gunna be huge and at ground level so I can get in and out when I'm old. Look, if you fall in and drown, you weren't my kid to begin with.  No offspring of mine is allowed to suck at swimming. As for it coming first, Cállate you wiseacre, I can count. 
3. Skylights everywhere! Well, none in the sexodrome. But pretty much everywhere else. Ok, yes, expensive. Their father can teach them piano, fine. Maybe it's the superiority of my Elven eyesight, but I am so pro natural lighting I should be it's elected spokesperson. Think of how much money we'll save on daytime electricity usage. 
4. Fore planning: Clever through-draft alignments and south facing wall placement. I'm going to use my environment to my advantage. I'm not smart enough to do it yet, but I know it can be done. I may even bury a section of my house, just cuz I heard that's like a dutch oven for your home without all the farts. Or with, I mean, we'd have to properly ventilate it.
5. Nerd Room: Any home of mine will have a nerd room, or I will 20 sided die! Sometimes I imagine as a lofty cylindrical tower, sometimes it's exactly 10 by 10. (enough room for 4 orcs.) Atanyrate said chamber always hosts our host of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, X-Files and Bandes Dessiné posters and prints. This is where the gaming tables will go and where I plan to set up the family reading nook. [[I have the craftiest idea to trick out a (possibly unnecessary) suport piller. I shall disguise it as a plush tree, with pillowed roots! ]]
6. Oh, right: This is getting long. Obviously, you gotta be rich to implement all of these  any of these great ideas, even if you are likely to collect a tax break for the skylights.  Not to mention I would hate to be disappointed by not eventually gaining access to a panoramic mountain view from the bubbly warmth of my roof deck hot tub, so best not to dream so vividly. 

Anyway, I'm curious as to what you would expect to find in your perfect home...I'm a little scared to ask you directly since you could leave me out in the comment-section-cold, alone and wanting with nary a snuggie in sight. (Snuggie is of course code for friend. Or backwards facing robe, whichever.)
Jay-kayin', tellz me! What would you want in a space? Where would you want it to be?  What are some of the neat features? A hudred spouts in your shower? A fireplace to suck all the warmth out of the rest of the house? Would you prefer an electric stove like my grandma, or a wood burning stove like my gramps? It's gas for me, play boy! And I'll be pissin in straight grey water atop my gold plated toilet. Bigger question: Is it too decadent to have a heated seat? Discuss.